Separate, not equal, and slapped in Dio GA

The Lead is all over the story that the Bishop of Georgia has decided, grudgingly, to allow same sex blessings in his Diocese.  But not using the Rite approved in GC:  oh, no.  Not THAT.  Something altogether different, a paragraph of unwilling prose shoved into a regular service and hopefully no one will notice if the rector races through it in one breath.  Which he could.

As if that's not bad enough, the hoops any couple must leap through are large. (PDF)

And if that's not bad enough, they must also sign the following: (PDF)

"We, ________________________________________________________,
desiring to receive the blessing of God in the Church and having committed ourselves to
a life-long relationship characterized by fidelity, monogamy, mutual affection, respect,
and holy love, acknowledge and understand that this Rite bestows upon our relationship
God’s grace-filled blessing. It does not bestow upon our relationship any legal status in
civic life or from any civil authority. The Canons of the Church state: “Holy Matrimony
is a physical and spiritual union of a man and a woman, entered into within the
community of faith, by mutual consent of heart, mind, and will, and with intent that it
be lifelong” Canon 1.18.1(2)(b). We understand that this Rite is not Holy Matrimony.

Because we wouldn't want you homos CONFUSED that you are actually MARRIED or anything like that.  Just admit that you are second class scum of the Church and be thankful we are letting you get noticed.

You know, at some level, it's more honorable just to say, "Nope.  Not in my Diocese."  Because to do it like this, with the Rite de-emphasized into almost nothing, and the "signing statement" to boot  makes it a slap on the face.  It is not something grace-filled or welcoming.  It is making it clear LGBT couples are to use the back door, and the separate glass.  Probably sit in a back pew, too.  Because you really aren't wanted here.

I hope there's a more gracious Diocese within reach where faithful couples can actually receive a real blessing, rather than a statement of their otherness.

Are people who oppose marriage equality "bigots"?

THis comes from a new video series by equality advocate and philospher Jon Corvino.

How do we describe our opponents accurately?  What words should we use:  Heterosexists? Bigots? Homophobes?  Opponents?  Anti-equality activists?

Is there room for respectful disagreement?  Does it make a difference if they are telling lies and promulgating hatred of gay people (like the National Organization for Marriage, or Focus on the Family), or if they are a Bishop uncomfortable with the church blessing gay unions (as we've seen in the wake of last summer's GC)?

Is there a difference between  Prop8 advocate Pastor Jim Garlow and blessing opponent Bishop Edward Little?  I think there is.  What do you think?

 

Wedding gifts, wedding blessings

Last week the Episcopal Church passed an approved, if provisional liturgy for The Witnessing and Blessing of a Lifelong Covenant. Predictably much uproar ensued. Is it a marriage rite? (no.) Will straight people use it? (not likely—there are already BCP liturgies for marriage, and for blessing of a civil marriage, which remain officially off-limits for LGBT people). In the comments to some posts, several couples of long standing were insulted. If we’ve been together 20+ years, seemed the theme, why on earth would I do this now?  If it's not even "real"?

Coincidentally, BP and I were at a (non-church) event last week where we met an out, gay man, M., who has been with his partner 27 years. The host genially barraged M, saying “you live in New York! You can get married!”  M. was modestly annoyed at this. “Why would we get married NOW?” he asked. “That would just insult the years we've had--as if they weren’t real.”

Now, I’ve gone on numerous times here about why I believe there should ultimately be one marriage rite (you can read my commentary and links here). But in this post, I want to ignore that, and address the common theme between these two responses: “Why should I do this now? If marriage is a covenant between two people, I have already done that.”

Yup, you have! And so did my wife BP and I, when we exchanged rings privately. Our hearts were sealed together at that moment.

But we also took advantage of marrying, when it became (briefly) legal in California, and we took advantage of the blessing, when our Bishop allowed that possibility. I’ve told you about both events (here and here). While neither of these events changed our hearts towards each other, they nevertheless were very important to our relationship, and they shared something in common.

Both our wedding, and subsequent blessing, put our relationship into the context of community. Each turned out to be a profound and moving gift to us. And that’s what we told M., as we explained why he might want to marry.

No man is an island unto himself, wrote John Donne, and neither is a marriage. The whole concept exists within a culture and community. When the window to marry opened in CA, we said to each other, “this is complicated (because of DOMA) and it may even be taken away (because of the pending Prop8). It’s not like a straight marriage in those regards. It's not the full thing itself. But we need to take the opportunities given. If we don’t seize the opportunity, and show how much this matters, there won’t be progress.” It seemed very rational.

We of course discovered that in every important way, it WAS and IS marriage, and we were lifted by it far more than we would have expected ahead of time. After all, we had already made that commitment. But our wedding was a chance to celebrate our relationship with friends and family, making public what had been private. They held us up in joy, and welcomed us to the broader community. That feeling of being held up was palpable. Amazing.  It meant so much more than we could have imagined.

And we found, two and a half years later, that our blessing was much more than a blessing of our marriage.  It didn't matter that we couldn’t use a BCP liturgy for our blessing.  It was, as I told you before, as much our Cathedral community claiming us and our marriage, as it was us claiming a blessing from them. Again, a palpable feeling. To become a gift is even greater than receiving one.

It’s no coincidence, then, that the title of the SCLM resources is “I Will Bless You, and You Will Be a Blessing".

Marriage and blessing is not for us, the couple. It is for us, the community. It is a giving to us, and in return the giving of us.

Yes, I understand that there may be legal as well as philosophical reasons why many LGBT people may choose not to marry legally. Many will prefer not to engage with the current liturgy because it’s not officially marriage. And, of course, many couples have had commitment ceremonies or blessings already—they are already beyond this. Everyone has the choice to make.

But… I want you to consider that by engaging the new rite, it becomes marriage. I can’t think of any LGBT couple who would undergo a blessing service for whom it is NOT personally a marriage covenant, regardless of legal technicalities, and I’ll guarantee you the people witnessing it will consider it the same.

And so we were married. And we were, and are, blessed. And both of these were, and are, astonishing gifts not only to us, but of us.

Be a gift.

Same sex blessings approved (updated)

There's still work to do, but this has been a good day.  In the Bishops,  111 for,  41 against, and 3 abstentions.  In the Deputies, by orders:  lay 86 yes/ 19 no /5 divided .  In the clergy: 85 yes / 22 no / 4 divided.   It passes:  there is now a provisional rite for blessing a same sex union.

And I'll remind you what a blessing means, not only to the couple but to the community, with my post about our blessing here.

Thanks to all who worked to make this happen and those who heard the voices and dared to step out.  Now the challenge is to ensure this doesn't just become a "gay ghetto".

Update: let's be clear that this is NOT marriage equality.  This is a step on the way, and should be celebrated as such, but it is NOT equality.  Indeed, based on the live-tweets of the HoB debate, at least one bishop was concerned that this liturgy MIGHT be shared with straight couples and voted no.  Just to make it clear that his goal was to be sure we're separate-unequal

Jacobus, Fond du Lac: Concerned A049 still leaves room for opposite gender use. Will vote no. ‪#gc77‬ (Twitterfeed here:  #A049)

But the single most offensive comment I read from the debate was this one from  Bishop John Bauerschmidt of Tennessee:

 “It is reasonable to believe that vowed fidelity that is exclusive and lifelong to one other person is predicated on sexual difference."

 No, Bishop, it is NOT reasonable.  Not when you have the witness of many gay couples who have remained faithful over decades despite the many challenges we endure, as a reviled and rejected minority.   It is not reasonable at all, and it's a personal insult to me and the vows I took when I married my wife.

This shows that there is still a long way to go.

As I said:  a step on the journey, and a significant one worth celebrating, but the destination is not yet achieved.

Same sex blessings in church-- where does your parish stand?

From St Paul's Fayetteville AR, how the conversation began.  You can read more about their process and the resources they used for the conversation,  at their website.  I highly recommend this sermon (pdf) by their rector the Rev Lowell Grisham.




Meanwhile, At All Saint's Pasadena, it started 20 years ago:

What's your parish doing?  Are you discussing blessings, or marriage?  Is it a done deal?  Is it even on the radar?

Whose blessing to claim?

We got to the church a little early in order to arrange some decorations in the hall where we were having the simple reception afterwards. We put photos from our wedding on the tables, scattered some colored glass, and set candles. We both wore simple skirts and blouses, so there was no need for elaborate wardrobe preparations.

The Church campus is all so familiar now, so we didn't think twice about going down the back stairway, along the narrow corridor past the thurifer's closet and up the two steps to the sacristy to talk to our friend the verger, and find our photographer, and speak to the organist.

We walked up the aisle in the simple procession holding hands, surrounded by friends: the verger, the thurifer, the crucifer, two acolytes, three priests. We only had a small number of guests, fewer than 50. So instead of letting them be swallowed up by the large nave, everyone sat together in the warm space of the chancel, only a few steps apart.

There was a simple Liturgy of the Word, and then the Dean stood for his homily, which he addressed directly to the two of us. He began by invoking those who were not with us in person, which brought a few tears from both of us, and then talked about what it meant to be who we were, where we were, and how people had fought to get church to this place. And then he reflected on the readings we had chosen, and the lessons they gave us two about living generously, and living up to the values of the community. Sent straight and true into the heart, as always, and everyone commented afterwards how moving it was.

Then the ritual, as we reaffirmed our vows, and held out our hands for the blessing of our rings, and then knelt so that the Dean and the SubDean could bless us. An enthusiastic Peace followed, and we carried the bread and wine a few steps to the altar as our friend C. sang the wedding hymn * from Handel's opera Ptolemy. We stood behind the altar watching as the Subdean celebrated a sung Eucharist in her lovely clear voice, and Communion was served, before the organist sent us down the aisle with a joyous noise.

My family was not there, due to illness and the aftermath of my Dad's death , and I missed them. We had a few close friends and some of BP's family. But most of the guests were Cathedral friends, who have been close parts of our journey into the community. And it occurred to both of us that this was family too.

Like families everywhere, we gathered around a table. Isn't that where the family always sorts things out? In some way, we are like prodigals. BP is the lesbian daughter, who at one time was not fully accepted, but is now warmly welcomed to the family table, along with her wife. We are now part of the shared joys, sorrows, and responsibilities of community life.

And while we were asking our family for their blessing, claiming it, if you will, I realized that our marriage was in turn being claimed, being owned by this community. It wasn't just about the gift they were giving us, but making us and our marriage a gift to them.

When I wrote about our wedding in 2008, I commented that one of the things that struck us was the sense that marriage made us a thread in the tapestry of civil community, and added to its strength. Prop8 tried to cut that thread loose.

But this community, this family, yesterday deliberately took that thread, wove it in tighter, and moreover made it an integral part of the design.

And that's not only amazing, but very humbling.



*The recording, alas, is not of C. Thanks to our friend H. for the photos.

Thanks to Elizabeth Kaeton for including us in her moving reflection
Thanks to Grandmere Mimi for words of blessing 

Today, we're claiming the Blessing

Today, our marriage will be formally blessed in St Paul's Cathedral, by the Community that has welcomed us so warmly. I know that many friends here will join our real-life friends in celebrating our union. Marriage matters, and having it recognized in this way is very meaningful to both BP and me, each in our own way.

As I've said before, it's all Father Jake's fault. :-)

The Boston Marriage

It would be remiss of me not to comment on the recent joyful wedding between The Very Rev. Katherine Ragsdale (Dean of the Episcopal Divinity School) and The Rev Mally Lloyd (Canon to the Ordinary for the Diocese of MA), whose marriage was performed by Massachusetts Bishop Thomas Shaw at the Cathedral Church of St Paul in Boston.

From the EDS press release

At the marriage attended by close to 400 guests, Bishop Shaw commented: “God always rejoices when two people who love each other make a life long commitment in marriage to go deeper into the heart of God through each other. It’s a profound pleasure for me to celebrate with God and my friends, the marriage of Katherine and Mally.”

From the Bridgewater Patriot-Ledger:

The Rev. Lloyd said Monday night she hopes fellow Episcopalians and others won’t focus on her marriage as a gay ceremony, but instead see it as “a commitment and marriage like any other.”

“We are asking God’s blessing, and asking the community and our friends to bless our marriage,” she said.

Exactly: bless a marriage, not a "lesbian marriage". As Susan Russell puts it in her post about the event,

I believe the values that make up a marriage transcend the sexual orientation of the partners who vow to love, honor and cherish each other until death do they part. My partner and I don't pay lesbian taxes, take out lesbian trash, make a lesbian tithe to our church or fold lesbian laundry. Marriage is marriage. Period.

Meanwhile, the Bridgewater Patriot-Ledger also quotes other sensible voices,

“Same-sex marriages are not new in Massachusetts, and the marriage between two members of the clergy in the Episcopal Church also has a history,” … said [the dean of the Episcopal Church Divinity School of the Pacific in Berkeley, Calif., the Rev. Mark Richardson].

“I am grateful that their life together can have this public recognition…."

Yes. Isn't that what a wedding is? Claiming the blessing, if you will, and the support of the public? I know we found that an amazing part of our wedding.

A lot of the gay-themed blogs picked it up too, although they may miss some of the nuance of church politics. Still, the fact that TEC has The Gay Bishop(s) and performs same sex marriages, is making a great witness to a community historically hurt by Christian faithful. What TEC does gets noticed, and provides tremendous evangelism.

Of course, not everyone is happy. AmericaBlog Gay, approving of this wedding of "high level Episcopal Priests", quoted a "Catholic response" from "Catholic Online;" I clicked over for the predictable outrage only to find that it was written by none other than David Virtue. (Is he Catholic now? Ah, no, just "the Voice for global orthodox Anglicanism [sic]." )

Not surprisingly, it drips with snide remarks. "Two Episcopal Lesbian Leaders 'Marry' in Boston" sneers his headline. Then with breathless distaste, he begins

In an act that will further alienate The Episcopal Church from the Global South and raise tensions for the Archbishop of Canterbury …The lesbian service "united" Episcopal Divinity School dean and president, the Very Reverend Katherine Hancock Ragsdale and Mally Lloyd, Canon to the Ordinary…..However this action will only confirm in the minds of orthodox Anglicans around the world that the Episcopal Church has walked apart, snubbing its nose at Lambeth resolution 1:10, the Windsor Report and a Covenant designed to hold the Anglican Communion together.

It will also mean the Archbishop of Canterbury will not be permitted to yawn if and when the issue is raised at the Primates' meeting. It also further confirms why some eleven orthodox primates will not be attending the Dublin meeting called by Dr. Williams.

Do you really think anyone notices at this point, aside from David Virtue and his ilk? Does anyone think this will even come up? Marriage in Massachusetts between same sex partners has been legal for more than 6 years. Several Episcopal Dioceses have been performing marriages, where legal. Others are blessing unions and previously performed civil marriages. These aren't even the first gay priests to marry. There really is nothing new here. And why bother writing in the conservative Catholic press? The audience there already think that TEC is at best misled, and at worst, apostate or heretical. They don't care about the Anglican Communion. They don't even think a marriage performed outside of the RC church is technically a marriage. So why is David Virtue fulminating to this particular audience? Isn't it time he just got over it?

Meanwhile, we needn't be bothered by it. Instead, let's focus on the good news in this high-profile witness to inclusion. We send many hearty congratulations to the new brides, who have far more joyful things to think about. Fresh days of love accompany thy hearts!

As Susan Russell concludes,

Marriage equality is an increasing reality in this country and in this church and the significance of Saturday's wedding is in offering yet-another icon to the church, the communion and the world of the affirmation of the Good News of God's inclusive love made available to all. It is an opportunity for both celebration and evangelism.... it's good news for the diocese and for the church as we all work together to move beyond the "inclusion wars" and forward into God's future of love, justice and compassion.

Sing it!

Photo from here. You DID get the joke about Boston Marriage, right?

Same Sex Blessings to begin in San Diego

This past weekend was San Diego's Gay Pride parade. The Episcopal Cathedral of St Paul's won this year's Stonewall Service Award for its long support of equality. As usual, the Cathedral also fielded the largest contingent of marchers in the parade, with around 130 purple-clad parishioners, friends, family, kids and clergy walking with rainbow streamers, flags, and the big purple banners that say "Love to each of you". Lots of cheers from the crowd of 100,000 onlookers, some of whom ran out to hug the marchers.

But the pinnacle of the weekend was an announcement during the Rev. Canon Allisyn Thomas's sermon on Sunday. She informed us that Bishop James Mathes has given St Paul's permission to offer same sex blessings. There were many tears of joy in the congregation, as long-time couples realized that they, at last, can fully belong. (BP was singing in the summer choir, so I had to wait for the Peace to be able to sneak into the choir to hug her tight!) The details of the process are to be worked out, but the expectation is that gay and lesbian couples will be required to adhere to the same rules, policies and procedures as straight couples as far as possible. Which is as it should be.

San Diego is a large, very diverse diocese, encompassing a fairly conservative part of the state. Needless to say, it is not of one mind. The Bishop requires any parishes considering blessings to embark on a self study patterned on the Diocese-wide document on Holiness in Relationships, and then the clergy must ask his permission. I am absolutely certain that there will be parishes whose priests do not choose to participate, and for whom this decision will be met with some dismay.

On the other hand, I know several straight couples with new babies who joined St Paul's specifically because of its inclusiveness. And as I waited in the queue after Mass so I could hug Allisyn, an older gentleman in front of me turned around and said, "That was a heck of a sermon. And I'm right of center. But at the end of the day, we don't have to agree on everything as long as we can come together here as family."


Pics from St Paul's blog

Task force on liturgy--your comments sought

So, ENS tells us:

The Episcopal Church Standing Commission on Liturgy and Music June 28 announced the names of task force leaders charged with leading the development of theological resources and liturgies for same-sex blessings, according to a news release.....SCLM has established three task groups: a liturgical resources group; a pastoral/teaching resources group; and a theological resources group, according to the release.

Our own Susan Russell is a member.

The SCLM has set up a blog, with an essay called "The Nature of Blessing". You are asked to read and comment on it!

Or feel free to comment here. What should a liturgy look like? Do you really need to build something new?

H/T The Lead and comments therein.....