Coincidentally, BP and I were at a (non-church) event last week where we met an out, gay man, M., who has been with his partner 27 years. The host genially barraged M, saying “you live in New York! You can get married!” M. was modestly annoyed at this. “Why would we get married NOW?” he asked. “That would just insult the years we've had--as if they weren’t real.”
Now, I’ve gone on numerous times here about why I believe there should ultimately be one marriage rite (you can read my commentary and links here). But in this post, I want to ignore that, and address the common theme between these two responses: “Why should I do this now? If marriage is a covenant between two people, I have already done that.”
Yup, you have! And so did my wife BP and I, when we exchanged rings privately. Our hearts were sealed together at that moment.
But we also took advantage of marrying, when it became (briefly) legal in California, and we took advantage of the blessing, when our Bishop allowed that possibility. I’ve told you about both events (here and here). While neither of these events changed our hearts towards each other, they nevertheless were very important to our relationship, and they shared something in common.
Both our wedding, and subsequent blessing, put our relationship into the context of community. Each turned out to be a profound and moving gift to us. And that’s what we told M., as we explained why he might want to marry.
No man is an island unto himself, wrote John Donne, and neither is a marriage. The whole concept exists within a culture and community. When the window to marry opened in CA, we said to each other, “this is complicated (because of DOMA) and it may even be taken away (because of the pending Prop8). It’s not like a straight marriage in those regards. It's not the full thing itself. But we need to take the opportunities given. If we don’t seize the opportunity, and show how much this matters, there won’t be progress.” It seemed very rational.
We of course discovered that in every important way, it WAS and IS marriage, and we were lifted by it far more than we would have expected ahead of time. After all, we had already made that commitment. But our wedding was a chance to celebrate our relationship with friends and family, making public what had been private. They held us up in joy, and welcomed us to the broader community. That feeling of being held up was palpable. Amazing. It meant so much more than we could have imagined.
And we found, two and a half years later, that our blessing was much more than a blessing of our marriage. It didn't matter that we couldn’t use a BCP liturgy for our blessing. It was, as I told you before, as much our Cathedral community claiming us and our marriage, as it was us claiming a blessing from them. Again, a palpable feeling. To become a gift is even greater than receiving one.
It’s no coincidence, then, that the title of the SCLM resources is “I Will Bless You, and You Will Be a Blessing". Marriage and blessing is not for us, the couple. It is for us, the community. It is a giving to us, and in return the giving of us.
Yes, I understand that there may be legal as well as philosophical reasons why many LGBT people may choose not to marry legally. Many will prefer not to engage with the current liturgy because it’s not officially marriage. And, of course, many couples have had commitment ceremonies or blessings already—they are already beyond this. Everyone has the choice to make.
But… I want you to consider that by engaging the new rite, it becomes marriage. I can’t think of any LGBT couple who would undergo a blessing service for whom it is NOT personally a marriage covenant, regardless of legal technicalities, and I’ll guarantee you the people witnessing it will consider it the same.
And so we were married. And we were, and are, blessed. And both of these were, and are, astonishing gifts not only to us, but of us.
Be a gift.
2 comments:
Wonderful words, dear IT. I especially agree that "To become a gift is even greater than receiving one." The availability of the blessing rite is not meant to be a grudging, halfway concession to same-sex couples, but a chance for the whole community to celebrate them and their contribution, to call forth from them the fullness of their love and their gifts, which enriches us all and gives hope to the world.
Many years ago when my husband and I about to be married, we heard from the Rev. Bill Wendt of St. Stephen and the Incarnation parish, Washington, DC, that "There's only one reason for two people to get married, and that's to make the world a better place."
And you and BP certainly are proof of that!
From the '79 BCP:
"Will you who witness these vows do all you can to support these persons...": that's the community to the couple.
"Let their life together be a sign of [God's] love for the world": that's the couple to the (wider) community [These latter are also the word my ex and I had on our wedding invitations. Sometimes it doesn't work out. :-/]
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