Thursday, April 1, 2010

FOJ begins some new ventures with Apple

Some super secret goings on have been taking place behind the scenes here at FOJ.

I am very excited to announce that our very own David H. and IT have been working on some useful Ipod/Iphone/Ipad apps with Apple, which I believe our crew will find very useful indeed, and which could really change the way we practice our traditions. Hell - these could redefine "church" as we know it!

First off is an app called Substantiator. Are you ultra-concerned about whether or not your host is properly consecrated? How can you tell what the true intentions of the eucharistic presider really are? What if they don't believe the host and wine are turned into the acutal body and blood of Christ? What if it would totally gross you out if they did? Well now, the Substantiator app can answer all your questions.

Simply download the app on your Iphone or Ipod touch (beta version will shortly be available for the new Ipad), and open it up as the Eucharistic prayer starts. Using very specific algorithms and state of the art lie-detector technology, by the end of the prayer, you will be able to determine whether tran- or con- substantiation has occured (or whether the presider is really just all about the anamnesis of the moment, if you know what I mean...). The specific belief of the presider will be clearly displayed on the Iphone or Ipod, so that you can make a determination if the sacrament will meet your spiritual needs. No more guessing!

Next is another revolutionary and useful app for all of us. In these times, when so many people are expressing all their thoughts and opinions so easily, and with so many to sort through on any given topic, your FOJ blog authors felt a way to sift through these sources quickly and efficiently is so necessary. I mean, who has TIME to try to figure out who is full of shit or not? So, with this in mind, our more technologically oriented minds melded to come up with The Bullshitometer. After downloading this app, you can set it for your rhetorical preference (right/left/center - even fine tuning to center left/center right is possible!), enter in any organizational name or web address, and detect the exact levels of hypocrisy and/or obfuscation present. Those sites containing outright lies beyond a 50% threshold will be automatically deleted from you internet browswer FOREVER, saving you precious time and conserving your delicate gray matter. This is going to be REVOLUTIONARY! Can't wait to get the feedback on it!

And finally - for those of you who read here and who hold closet beliefs about the rapture, (you know who you are! I'll bet you are obsessively watching 2012), we even have an app for you, called, well, 2012. Again, using sophisticated algorithms, we have put in all known prophetic end of the world predictions from a variety of calendars, cultures and contexts to come up with the specific date in 2012 that the world will end, down to the second. This app is a bit costly - $201.20 - but we feel it will be well worth knowing when the world will end. As new predictions/interpretations/documentation comes to light, we will make the necessary algorithmic adjustments in order to be as accurate and specific about the end date as possible so that you can plan appropriately. We are hoping to expand this service to include specific regional event prediction to help you choose the death that will most suit you and your loved ones, and to time the running up of your credit debt to coincide with the end times most efficaciously. This one is going to be hot!

Happy shopping from your app developer friends here at FOJ. (Who knew our illustrious group housed such hidden talent?) I just know you are going to love these!

13 comments:

Ann said...

From FB - +Kirk Smith AZ page
"Easter Monday -- We have a nap for that!"

Wormwood's Doxy said...

Can I get a Bullshitometer you can use with people? If the Substantiator has lie-detector technology, it seems to me that you could combine them and create a BMmeter that you could use on friends, family, and coworkers....

lindy said...

You know, seriously, I could use a RCL that doesn't require an internet connection.

Also, how about a Psalter. I currently use an entire Bible as a dedicated Psalter. Why not just give me the one book I want?

But, the Bishopshitometer sounds good too... Oh, sorry, that's BULLshitomenter. My bad.

Jarred said...

I take it you're enjoying your April 1st. ;)

Eileen said...

Dox - I will totally get IT and David on it. Lindy - I'll see what I can do for you, but you, the scope of their technological prowess only goes so far - I'm not sure even these two can make those things happen for you!

Jarred - ;-D

johnieb said...

Great: a Palagian app.

Verification: funkica, also great.

Grandmère Mimi said...

Eileen, I want them all. Well, maybe not the rapture thingy. I'm not quite ready to come out of the closet on that one.

Do we send the money to you and David H. or order direct from the website?

Tom Sramek, Jr. said...

And here I thought the Substantiator would be advanced enough that you could simply lay a wafer on top of your iPhone or iPod and it would scan it and determine whether it was consecrated or not, and with what intentions. A boon for altar guilds and and the faithful in the pews alike!

Ann said...

Love the BS app pix

David |Dah • veed| said...

Here is a new app for your new iPad;

The iPad Fit

Ann said...

David -- LOL

Ann said...

Re: RCL on your computer-- iPod/Touch has an app of the RCL - does not require an internet connection after it is downloaded. Changes everyweek to the next Sunday. At iTunes -- Lectionary 99cents

David said...

All donations may be sent directly to the "Buy David & IT Add'l Apple Goodies" fund. Payment accepted in large, unmarked bills or Mexican 50 Peso gold coins...